Smart Sex: 10 Reasons to Take It Slow
1. You’re not as detached as you think.Call it the curse (and blessing) of "Sex and the City." Guys finally got the message that women don’t always see hookups as a step toward a marriage proposal.
But the TV series and movies also advanced the idea of unemotional sex, which, according to science, is more difficult than it seems.
Sex releases a different set of brain chemicals in women than men, says Laura Sessions Stepp, author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both (Riverhead Hardcover).
Women get a large dose of oxytocin, the hormone that makes you want to bond and create relationships.
Men don’t get the oxytocin rush because of testosterone, making it easier for them to “love 'em and leave 'em.”
Evolution has hard-wired us for these tendencies, Stepp says, which can be confusing in our sexually liberated world. You may want the sex to be casual… but you could end up with a serious case of attachment.
2. He may be cheating on someone… with you!It’s not your problem, you say; you’re not being unfaithful. But ask yourself: Do you really want to be the other woman – the one who breaks up a relationship and causes another woman’s heartbreak? We’re guessing not.
Even the sneakiest guy sends clues that he’s taken. Among them:
- He gives you only his cell phone number and leaves the room to take calls.
- He suggests hanging out at your place but never offers up his own.
- He avoids taking you to certain neighborhoods (and not because they’re dangerous).
- Suddenly, no one has a name. He was out with “the guys” or “people from work.”
- He becomes defensive when you ask him questions about his weekend plans or where he hangs out.
- Even if you’re not planning a long-term relationship, you should avoid him and his unfaithful ways.
If you’re hoping your night of passion leads to a relationship, remember: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
3. He’s a taker. “Taking” isn’t always about money. A guy can suck up your time, attention or sexual generosity.
Take money, for example: There’s no right or wrong when it comes to who pays for dates, as long as you’re both OK with the arrangement.
But if you open your wallet more often than you’d like and you’ve told him, it’s probably time to cash in and call it quits.
He may also exploit your attraction in other ways. Can you pick him up from the airport? (Cabs cost so much!) Do his laundry? (He’s out of soap.) Host his buddies to watch the game? (You’re such a good cook.) Buy his mom a birthday present? (He has no idea what to get her.)
You’ve got a taker. - Unfortunately, this attitude usually continues in the bedroom. Don’t expect this guy to be attentive to your needs and preferences – most likely, his pleasure comes first… and last.
4. He’s clingy.Some women like this quality. But too often clingy turns into possessive, demanding and selfish.
Beware of someone who moves at the speed of light to win you over. It’s usually a sign that he’s uncomfortable being by himself, or he’s looking for a woman to solve his problems. Asking for intimacy too quickly could be an act of desperation, a bad quality in a significant other.
Signs he’s clingy include:
- He calls you several times a day and wants to talk for hours at a time, even when you have important things to do.
- He becomes short-tempered or whiny when you want to spend time with anyone else.
- He’s excessively close to his mom (or both parents). He expects you to mother him the way she does.
- 5. He just got out of a relationship.Timing is everything. A rebound relationship might work out, but a recent breakup is usually a big, glaring red flag.
If you’ve been through a bad split, you know it takes a long time to completely recover. And if your guy is newly single, he’s still going through recovery.
Most likely, he’s not ready for a long-term commitment right now, even if he thinks he is. He may be seeking another relationship to prove to himself that he's still desirable and worthy of love and affection… especially if he didn’t initiate the breakup. He could also be looking for validation that he wasn’t at fault.
Of course, guys aren’t always that introspective and may have a simpler view. You know those movies in which buddies tell a guy to “nail some chick” to heal his broken heart? Don’t be that chick. Not unless you’re 100% sure your interest in him lies only below the belt.
6. He’s bad in bed.Alas, usually you don’t discover this until you’re already in bed. But here are clues that you’re in for a ho-hum hump.
First, think twice if he’s a bad kisser - they're rarely good in bed. Perhaps it’s because he never learned proper technique, or he thinks he kisses just fine. If the latter, he’s not going to be receptive to constructive criticism in bed. - Also, does he seem more interested in “scoring” than in you? Some guys are simply looking to add another notch to their bedpost. Men like this won’t take the time to find out what works for you between the sheets. Instead of a steamy, sexy romp, you could get a “wham-bam, thank you, ma’am.”
7. He may have an STD.Unfortunately, women are more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases than men. It has nothing to do with promiscuity; our anatomy makes us simply more vulnerable to infection. STDs are also more difficult to detect in women.
There are more than 25 known STDs – some curable (chlamydia, gonorrhea), some not (HPV, herpes, HIV/AIDS).
Many can be transmitted through oral sex, so you’re not playing it any safer that way. In fact, having unprotected oral sex puts you at especially high risk for gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes and hepatitis B.
Condoms offer partial but not total protection against genital warts and genital herpes.
That's enough to make a girl stay home and date Ben & Jerry. But there’s no reason to swear off sex. Just go armed with condoms and questions about your guy’s sexual history. - 8. You’re drunk.There are so many reasons this is a big don’t. Being intoxicated usually results in regrettable behavior and poor decisions. Like swinging from a chandelier… or forgoing a condom.
Between STDs, pregnancy risks and generally unscrupulous guys, being drunk isn’t the best time to decide whom to, ahem, open yourself up to.
Those three Long Island iced teas may give you the courage to approach that hot guy you’ve been eyeing. But how do you know he really likes you? To him, you could be the slutty, sloshed girl he hopes won’t puke in his bed.
Need another reason not to do it under the influence? In the era of cell-phone cameras and YouTube, your fling may not stay private.
9. You’re not over your ex.The same issues from No. 5 apply to women too. Breakups are painful, and too often we try to forget that hurt by getting naked with a new guy.
But jumping back into the dating scene may not be the bandage your broken heart needs, says Sandra Ann Miller, author of A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him (SAME Ink).
And sleeping with someone else isn’t revenge on your ex… unless your boy toy is Brad Pitt. - “Put yourself on a guy diet for a while, and put all the attention on yourself,” Miller says. Hang out with friends, pick up interests or hobbies that have been neglected – in general, get to know yourself again.
As for the new guy, if he’s as great as you think, he won’t shut you out for not putting out. Become friends first, so when you’re ready to take it to the next level, you’ll know it’s for the right reason.
10. You’re not even attracted to him. Sometimes we sleep with people who simply don’t attract us.
Maybe you’re lonely, bored or looking for confirmation that you’re desirable. In that case, you’re using him.
This may damage your mental health, particularly if you’re feeling vulnerable. You might think a fling will make you feel attractive and empowered, but those emotions are fleeting.
Chances are you’ll end up feeling used, empty or guilty instead.
The underlying problem hasn’t been addressed. - And what about his feelings? You may not like him, but he may want a relationship with you.
Seek out a therapist’s help; he or she can help you figure out why you’re engaging in potentially destructive behavior.
Is It Love or Lust?
Are you in love or plain old lust? Take this quiz to find out how you feel about your guy.
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